well...now I'm sitting at the counter waiting for the 1st customer to come..cos i'll nid to learn to use the system that use to record all the paymeny and stuff like that...hmm...hopefully I'll pick it up fast enuf...now nid to practice and practice..practice makes perfect but nobody's perfect so y practice...hahaha..nah...still gotta try my best to master it...less than 11 weeks now...adapting well...juz that cos i'm new...so nth much for me to do..they dunno wat to pass to me oso..so well...i guess still hv to wait ofr a few more weeks b4 i can get to do "the real stuff"..hahaah...wish me all e best manz...kind of miss my kakis now...haben seen them for 3 days le...guess I'm not use to working life yet...takes time...tml's my off day but can't go out with fren cos they r not free to do so...so sad...goin to sch to do up my poster..gotta hand it up on mon...hope I'll do a gd job...i nid inspiration manz...go toilet...hahaha...sometimes i get my inspiration there..dunno..i think in the toilet a lot...knocking off soon...till den...bye...
1st day of IPP
yesterday was 1st day of my internship...well...quite alrite...juz tt I'm bored cos there wasn't much things for me to do...was kind of scare at 1st but was glad that the people there where I m posted to was quite alrite...guess it will be a busy busy 11 weeks...cos already I'm assigned with quite a number of job to do...hope I'll handle it well...COME ON!!BUCK UP!!I'M SURE YOU CAN DO IT!!ALL E WAY!!IT'S JUZ 11 WEEKS!!!ok...feel beta...cos kind of miss sch now & I miss my bunch of fren...my kakis in sch...*sob*can't wait to meet them & chill out....went to chill out on sun at bukit timah plaza with clara, jaslin & lor...found this cafe*how come i didnt realise thou I've been staying here for so long*....was quite alrite..i mean the ambience & all juz that the service...quite sucky la...shall not mention...but i enjoy it still cos of the fren I'm with...hope they r all enjoying themselves at their attachment place....well..guess I should go prepare to go work...hopefully it will be enjoyable tdy.....miss you gals manz...when can we meet again to chill???:'(
exAm's oVer!!!weeeee.....
Weeeeee........finally comes my long awaited freedom...now i can do anything and go anywhere freely w/o any worries...wahahahha....exam's finally over....BUT...this means that I'm going to IPP soon(for those dunno its my scg attachment...)& I mean real soon which is next mon...hopefully I'll get attached to OBS..according to my LO(Liaison officier) there's onli 1 who got attached to OBS out of the so many...hopefully its me...thou I might be doing admin work but I still learn something at the end of the day...n at least its OBS...& I shall be content wherever I go and watever job assign...my motto...hahaha...I'm learning anw....weeee....off to watch VCD!!!at this timing..hahaha...BUT...EXAM"S OVER!!!!!enjoying my freedom b4 IPP...
Another touching story...."Family"....
This is a true story, taken from "Family" (dictated by LD, edited by LSX, translated by SaFe). Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late.
Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.
I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant some greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Let's go and fetch Mother."
Hubby is tall and big-sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment and put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuse to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.
Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example: I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat the flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."
Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever I came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it." There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.
Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, Mother's facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and is exhausted from a long day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest Mother makes.
From time to time, Mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: She would keep all kinds of plastic bags and accumulate them so that she can sell them later on, and that resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on the dish-washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.
One day, late at night, Mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me. I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?"
After that incident, for a long period of time, Mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.
In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, Mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, Mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.
That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as the feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.
The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by Mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I couldn't. I threw down the bowl and rushed into the washroom and vomitted everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw Mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really didn't mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day; Mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed Mother down the stairs.
For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since Mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have no appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at the low point in my life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible, you should go and see a doctor."
The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and Mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day?
At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart.
I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lifted me up and spinned me round in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight? Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.
That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.
The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, Mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless.
I looked at Mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby didn't say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from the other people. That day, after Mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...
I finally understood how much hubby must have hated me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarrelled, if...
In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.
Hubby moved into Mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.
One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything.
The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched his hand out and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood there any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.
That night, he did not come home, he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following Mother's death so did our love for each other. He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff.
I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished.
I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying Mother for causing her death.
One day, I came home and saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there.
After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him.
"LD, you are pregnant?"
Since Mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but it's ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other.
Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them.
I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me, I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scares in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional.
I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeat. Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart.
Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in Mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time; I cared for him and am concerned because there is love, but now, what is there between us?
Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing all the way till our baby was born. Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear him typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing, but none of that matters to me anymore.
It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, it's like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my forehead, throughout the journey to the hospital.
Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warm body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?
He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in, his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain.
Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son, and me, his eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand.
Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.
Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when did he first discover he had cancer? Doctor said it was about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."
I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me.
Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son:
"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But Daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to Daddy's suggestions...
Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through your life journey. To be honest, Daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..."
From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.
Hubby has also written a letter for me:
"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby... My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me... These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on when to give and what to give are all written on the packaging..."
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and placed him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..."
He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air.
I pressed the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang thought the air as tears slowly rolled down my face...
The End...
IPP...
Oh well....so i'm attached to People's Association for 11 weeks...from next week onwards but I'm still not sure as to which department I'm posted to...& i must say...I'm quite happy with...hopefully I get to attach to OBS*praying hard*...I'll be happier...oh well...wherever I go I'll learn new stuff...AND I MUZ SAY NSA PAPER SUX!!!argh...i'm so goin to take sub paper...as long as I pass I'm happy...sianz...shall see what I get for the result.....till den off to mugging...mugging mugging mugging.......argh..officially pronounced brain dead...................waiting for exam to end.............
IMPERFECT
Another story that I like to share about imperfection cos no one is perfect.....
They have been married for 2 years. He loves literature, & often posts his work on the net, but nobody ever reads them. He is also into photography, & he handles their wedding photos. He loves her very much. Likewise with her. She has a quick temper, & always bullies him. He is a gentleman, & always gives in to her. Today, she's being "willful" again..... Her: "Why can't u be the photographer for my friend's wedding? She promised she'd pay."
Him: "I don't have time that day." Her: "Humph!" Him: "Huh?" Her: "Don't have time? Write less of those novels, & u will have all & get the time u need." Him: "I... someone will definitely recognize my work some day." Her: "Humph! I don't care; u'll have to do it for her! "Him: "No." Her: "Just this once?" Him: "No." Negotiation's broken. So, she gave the final warning: "Give me a Yes within three days, or else..." First day ******** She "withheld" the kitchen, bathroom, computer, refrigerator, television, hi-fi... Except the double bed, to show her "benevolence". Of course, she has to sleep on it too. He didn't mind, as he still has some cash in his pockets. Second day ********** She conducted a raid & removed everything from his pockets & warned, "Seek any external help, & u bear the consequences." He's nervous now. Night ****** On the bed. He begs for mercy, hoping that she'll end this state. She doesn't give a damn. No way am I giving in, whatever he says. Until he agrees. Third day - Night ***************On the Bed.
He's lying on the bed, looking to 1 side. She's lying on the bed, looking to the other side. Him: "We need to talk." Her: "Unless it's about the wedding, forget it." Him: "It's something very important." She remains silent. Him: "Let's get a divorce." She did not believe her ears. Him: "I got to know a girl."She's totally angry, & wanted to hit him. But she held it down, wanting to let him finish. But her eyes already felt wet. He took a photo out from his chest. Probably from his undershirt pocket, that's the only place she didn't go through yesterday. How careless. Him: "She's a nice girl." Her tears fell. Him: "She has a good personality too." She's heartbroken, because he puts a photo of some other girl "close to his heart". Him: "She says that she'll support me fully in my pursue for literature after we got married." She's very jealous, because she said the same thing in the past. Him: "She loves me truly." She wishes to sit up & scream at him: "Don't I?" Him: "So, I think she won't force me to do something that I don't want to do." She's thinking, but the rage won't subside. Him: "Want to take a look at the photo I took for her?" Her: ".....!" He brings the photo before her eyes. She's in a total rage, hits his hand away & leaves a burning mark slap on his face. He sighs. She cries. He puts the photo back to his pocket. She pulls her hand back under the blanket. He turns off the light, & sleeps. She turns on the light, & sits up. He's asleep. She lost sleep. She regrets treating him the way she treated him. She cried again, & thought about a lot of things. She wants to wake him up. She wants to have an intimate talk with him. She doesn't want to push him anymore. She stares at his chest. She wants to see how the girl looks. She slips the photo out. She wanted to cry, & she wanted to laugh. It's a nicely taken photo of herself. A photo he took for her. She bends down, & kissed him on his cheek. He smiled. He was just pretending to be asleep. "You learn to love, not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."
Priceless Anecdote...
An interesting story I felt......thought of sharing it.....Some people understand life better And they call some of these people "retarded"... At the Seattle Special Olympics, nine contestants, all physically or mentally disabled, assembled at the starting line for the 100-yard dash. At the gun, they all started out, not exactly in a dash, but with a relish to run the race to the finish and win. All, that is, except one little boy who stumbled on the asphalt, tumbled over a couple of times, and began to cry. The other eight heard the boy cry. They slowed down and looked back. Then they all turned around and went back......every one of them. One girl with Down's Syndrome bent downand kissed him and said,"This will make it better." Then all nine linked arms and walked together to the finish line. Everyone in the stadium stood, the cheering went on for several minutes. People who were there are still telling the story... Why? Because deep down we know this one thing: What matters in this life is more than winning for ourselves. What matters in this life is helping others win, even if it means slowing down and changing our course.
"Click"
hmmm...haben been blogging for quite some time...busy busy busy with project project & MORE PROJECTS!!!whaoO...i wonder how i survive the past few weeks manz..but well I've survived it...wahahahaha...hving my study/exam break this week so was like slcaking for the pass few days*cant believe i'm like so calm when my exam's next week* well guess i'm feeling numb tt's all i can say...after 4 sem of exam u kind of juz dread it...and cant wait for it to come to an end...oh well...went to watch the movie "click with la yesterday at Jurong Point....was a good movie...was meant to be a comedy but there was some part which was pretty sad and just made me wanna cry out loud...*sad* but i must say its a good movie talking about LIFE!!!wat aa big word..but i must agree with the director...how many time in our life did we just want to "fast foreward" or skip some part of our life that we dread it go straight to the result??and how many times did we say "nah, dun worry we still hv next time" to the people who are important in our life? & how many of us actually really treasure "the process of life"?well...A lot i guess...many a times we just buried ourselves in our load of work and studies...we are occupied by some other stuff rather than people who are so important to us in our life...we always put work in front of people than we neglect them...everyday its just work, work, and work...its like spending our life in vain because of work...that so many a times we miss out the process of life with the people around us...we miss out the time spend together with the someone, somebody....so many a times we didnt realise that when put our priority in work that at the end of the day wat did we get?we get illness, lots of money but no love ones around us, no friends, so kinship...and we die...we cant even bring the money away...and we've miss out the most important time that we can spend with those important people in our life...so words of advice...treasure the people, the time and the "process" that u spend cos the end result its not the most important but its the process....
a kId at home whO is Older den I m....
well...tdy was as usual..gone to sch in the morning and its project all the way none stop...peak period for projects....so its loads & loads of project and nth else....driving me nuts but guess i'll juz do watever i can and give my best....high stress period but dunno why I still hv to deal with a small kid at home who is much older den i am or shld i say an adult with a child's mentality....haiz...i juz feel numb after her nuisance...it seems that her nuisance doesnt seems to hv any impact on me tdy...thou mayb i'm frustrated and angry initially but come to think about it...y shld i??no point when i hv been putting up with all these up since day 1...n now after so damn freaking long...y shld i be angry with a kid??noe tt she's been like tt ever since dunno when(maybe she's hving menopause??)...oh well...just treat it as a 3 year old throwing tantrum...juz let her be....she juz thinks that the world revolve ard her...she's juz plain irritating at times tt's all..well...guess i'll not make myself angry...juz numb myself i guess....cant say she's totally at fault...i'm too..but oh well...its always been like tt...God pls help me to tolerate her....off to project!!!
haben been blogging....
hmmm...haben been blogging for so damn freaking long manz....hahaha...too busy with projects...so many projects but yet so little time...how i wish that time could juz stop....oh well...guess projects are all about deadlines...haiz...guess i'm use to it liao...since i have been doing that for the past eh...2 and a half years or 2 years and 1 month to be exact...last year in poly liao and i'll be graduating soon...haiz...seems so short...it seems to me that it was just yesterday that i juz enter the 1st day of my poly life and now i'm a year 3 poly student and will be go out to work soon...guess i'll miss my sch life a lot a lot....and it will be the best part of my memory....Lord let my last few month of poly life be as enjoyable as possible pls....how i wish...............till den stay tune....haha....
